Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Hardly. I mean, congrats to that guy who got rid of all the snakes in
Ireland (even though history shows that the “snakes” were actually pagans).
However, in the good ol’ U.S. of A., St. Patty’s Day means drinking til you puke shenanigans amongst the
rookie drinkers. You know the rookie drinkers, right? They’re the folks who go
out and get obliterated four times a year – New Year’s Eve, Halloween, 4th
of July and St. Patrick’s Day.
Rookie drinkers muscle in front of you at the bar and order
some kind of fancy pants cocktail that requires a Bunsen burner, raw sugar cane
and a tungsten mug – causing the bartender to spend 20 minutes making it when
all you wanted was a beer. Oh yeah, then they pay with a credit card taking
another five minutes for the transaction.
Rookie drinkers think they’re being socially conscious by
taking a cab to the bar. That’s alright,
but then they have to catch a cab home later. That’s them in the middle of
Garnet Ave. at 2am with their cell phone in one hand and a slice of pizza in the
other trying to shout down a cab. I guess it’s easier to get a cab when you get
hit by one.
Rookie drinkers travel in herds, usually segregated by sex. If you encounter a herd in a small
establishment it can be hard to get through or around them. I have found that
if you use their most common vocalizations, they will part slightly to let you
pass. The female herds respond to “Oh my God!” while the males will budge for “Dude,
no way!”
If you choose to go out for a beverage on a day reserved for
rookie drinkers I have a few rules to help you manage.
- Go someplace usually not known for serving drinks – a few suggestions include Chuck E. Cheese, the food court at the mall or the Elk’s Lodge.
- Wear camouflaged clothing to help you blend in with the herd. This usually means a little black dress for women and a hoodie with a sideways baseball cap for men (don’t forget to leave all stickers and sales tags on the hat).
- Bring along a can of rookie repellant for emergencies. I recommend any style of Axe body spray. You can use it to mark your territory if there’s a booth you want, or to spray directly on a rookie if there’s a breach in personal space.
- Just get some beer from Rite Aid and stay home.
So yeah, Happy St. Patrick’s Day. May the spirit of ol’ Pat
be with you if you choose to venture out on March 17th. As for me, I’ll
see you at the bar on March 18th. There’s usually an incredible
discount on green Budweiser.
